i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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