be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
