proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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