he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
