so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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