Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
