I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
