Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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