my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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