i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
