im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
