he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
