Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my phone needs a breathalizer
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
i believe in u and ur pee
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
