just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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