I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
