I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
