My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
