Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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