I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
