Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
