Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
