so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
