i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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