Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Randomize
