I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
