You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
