I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
