onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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