My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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