none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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