That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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