Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Say something about gay babies.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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