i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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