My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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