I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
