It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
