Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
