I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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