my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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