I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize