I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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