I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
