i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
