Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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