last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
