why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
