Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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