dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
