So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
