How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
This house was built for laser tag.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
