Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize