Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Randomize
