Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
