i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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