Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
