that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
