how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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