Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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