i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
